I’m sick of being sick. Let me clue you in on a little secret about chemotherapy… the novelty wears off after the first treatment. Looking back, I see myself as almost cocky, walking into the treatment room the first day, with hair still on my head. There was a certain excitement to a new experience.
I have 3 chemotherapy treatments left, and two weeks after the end of treatment, I will have a double mastectomy, having found out upon our return from Greece that I am positive for the BRCA 1 mutation. I’m terrified of the surgery, and am in a weird limbo of wanting chemo to end, but wanting it to go on forever to avoid the surgery. Perhaps surgery wouldn’t be so frightening if I was going to get reconstructive surgery at the same time, but because Radiation treatment can damage reconstructive surgery, I will get the best results by waiting six months after Radiation is complete. Herein lies the source of my biggest fear; I will come out of the double mastectomy boob-less. Remember when I said I knew there would be more milestones? I look back at my hair loss, and the trauma it caused, and I laugh… that was NOTHING compared to thinking about waking up without breasts, and a giant gash of a scar where they used to be. I will live without breasts until six months after radiation is complete, when I will be recovered enough from the first surgery and radiation to get reconstructive surgery. Reconstructive surgery will likely be the end of next summer, more than a year after I was diagnosed. Sometimes it feels like this year will never end.
I know I have friends and family reading this, but I’m all for honesty… let’s talk about nipples. When the time comes around for reconstruction (a lifetime away), the Doctors will make me a new nipple. It will not have feeling in it, and this bums me out. The last step after reconstructive surgery is to get a tatoo. No, I will not be getting “Suck it Cancer” tatoo’d on my ankle. I will get an areaola tatoo’d to my skin around the fake nipple, or “fipple” as I call it . The fact that I won’t have any feeling there seems like a benefit in this scenario, but that’s the only one I can think of. This time last year, I was still breast feeding Grace. The magnitude of that pendulum swing is too much for me to comprehend sometimes.
I continue to set up little milestones and events to look forward to, to keep my spirits positive. Just as I’m beginning to feel down, there is a visit from an old friend, a reunion with former coworkers, or a lunch date. I was in desperate need of one of these pick me ups when I returned to Michael Albor’s salon for my hair and make-up day. While I had been wearing scarves and hats since losing my hair, I was looking forward to getting a lesson in putting my wig on. Turns out putting on a wig takes about as much effort as putting on a hat. Michael invited Bre Welch, a fabulous make up artist, to come by and complete my look. My makeup looked amazing, and the makeup artist gave me a few tips that I could do at home. I discovered yet another silver lining to losing my hair… the process of getting ready had been reduced to minutes, and with Bre’s makeup tips, I was able to avoid that cancer patient look, and put some color back into my face.
As treatment wears on, these milestones have become vital to keeping a positve attidue. Having something to look forward to helps me put one foot in front of the other, and continue to trudge through this process, even when I feel like it will never end. I find myself building a world that centers around positive vibes and good times – unfortunately, life can’t be a party all the time, and it’s becoming harder to pick myself up in spite of all the fun I’m trying to have. I’m getting tired of being such a good cancer patient with a positive outlook, and am beginning to feel overwhelmed. While writing has helped me process a lot of my feelings about cancer, I think it may be time for a support group. Realizing this, I contacted the hospital’s social worker, and have a meeting scheduled this week. During our phone call, she told me that it’s common for patients to reach the point of feeling overwhelmed around the 3rd month. It’s funny to realize how textbook by reactions and feelings are, and that I’m experiencing cancer in the much the same way everyone else does. And here I thought I was special.
Speaking of being in the same boat – my younger sister has tested positive for the BRCA 1 mutation as well. She is cancer free, and had a double mastectomy and reconstruction last week. My older sister tested negative, and does not carry the mutation. I’m having a hard time with this, as I’m sure the rest of my family is. I love my sister, and know she’s going through a difficult thing right now. I want to be supportive, and there for her, but struggle with the level of involvement I’ve had with her surgery, which has been minimum. I need to keep focused on chemotherapy and fighting cancer, and don’t want to increase my anxiety by getting a preview of this difficult surgery. I feel as though my sister was given a gift by having the opportunity to test for the genetic mutation before developing cancer, and was empowered with information that ultimately enabled her to skip cancer – and have to admit to some feelings of anger and jealousy as a result. For the first time since I was diagnosed, I find myself asking “why me?”. My life is being held hostage by cancer, and there’s nothing I can do to manage the situation until I’ve kicked it to the curb. Yep – it’s time for some therapy; I’d rather be able to relate to my sister and find comfort with each other, rather than letting this gene wreak more havoc on my life.
I found out yesterday that my surgery has been scheduled for the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. I got a letter in the mail. I had suggested to my Oncologist that we wait until December 8th, so that Lee and I could celebrate our anniversary the 6th and my birthday the 7th. She told me, “pick another day to celebrate”. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is her job to make me cancer free – and she’s doing a fabulous job – but it’s not her job to be warm and fuzzy, or make sure I have a happy birthday.
The countdown has begun… in the meantime, my girlfriend Elissa and I are getting away for a girls’ weekend in Nantucket. Let the good times roll!